One is the loneliest number

I used to love that I could almost anything by myself. I felt empowered. I felt so strong.

Now I just feel sad. I feel like a cliché. A middle-aged woman all by myself with a cat.

I really want to be important to someone. I want someone to need me. To love me. To hold and hug me. To tell me that their day is a little brighter because of me.

I never really have had that. Not with my parents. Not with a friend. Not with a boyfriend. The closest I have got with is with my students and my pets.

Thank goodness for that.

In my middle age I am getting more pessimistic. I never see my life changing in a positive way like I hope. I will always be a party of one. I will always be the third wheel. I will always have to do things by myself.

For some people this is their life. Some people have lots of friends and  a family they can depend on.

Not me.

I have a lot of people who depend on me and expect me to be a certain way.

I want some one I can depend on. I want some one to put as my emergency contact.

I really want a hug.

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